


Whitenoise

by NikaPDX1K



Category: Original Work
Genre: Anxiety, F/M, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Sensory Overload, Synesthesia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-15 04:07:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29307756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NikaPDX1K/pseuds/NikaPDX1K
Summary: TRIGGER WARNING!!!This story has strong depictions of mental health issues, anxiety, and panic attacks. It also deals with sensory overload. Please be safe and careful when reading.This story was written over a year ago for a library contest with the theme "Everyday Fears" and has evolved into much more. Over time it took a turn to advocate for mental health as well as make others more aware of what can go on internally when dealing with things like panic attacks and sensory overload. Please be cautious and sensitive when reading this, as it could be a trigger. s
Relationships: Original Character(s)/Original Character(s)
Kudos: 1





	Whitenoise

Walking about the carnival, I allow the bouncy, uplifting music to draw me in from the fringes. Bright lights flash in my peripheral vision, tempting, trying to draw me to the games and rides. 

DING!

I jump a little, head spinning toward the source of the noise. Taking a deep breath, I realize it is just the bell signaling that someone has won on the high striker. With shaky hands, I begin rummaging through my bag, attempting to find my headphones in the chaos. Sighing with relief, I finally locate their travel case. As I start to pull it out, however, my face falls, and my heart plummets. 

_ Shit! Shit! Shit! _

My hands fumble on the zipper, and I nearly drop the case, my mind whirring along frantically. As the case finally opens, my heart seems to stop in its tracks. I bleakly gaze down into the case, the emptiness seemingly gazing back. 

“FUCK!” 

My vision blurs a little, and I shake my head, trying to clear it. I drop to my knees in the middle of the crowded aisle, feverishly digging through my bag. The contents jingles and crinkles as I rummage. Candy wrappers crunch under my hands as they are roughly shoved aside, my keys jingle somewhere in the depths of its corner. Fumbling, I manage to save my phone from tumbling out of the top, shaky hands nearly losing their grip.

_ They must be here! _

A cold sense of dread runs through my extremities, creeping slowly through my toes and fingers, up into my arms and legs, and settles into the pit of my stomach. My bag seems like a bottomless pit as I stare down into it. Forcing my mind to focus, I try to remember where I had left them.

\--------------

I dug through my bag, tossing in items from the counter. Glancing at the clock, I groaned, quickly throwing my headphone case into my bag. Realizing it felt lighter than it should have, I quickly checked the inside. It was empty.

_ Oh damn, those are still charging. I gotta grab them before I leave.  _

Rezipping the case, I tossed it back into my bag along with my keys. My eyes landed on my water bottle. Snatching it up, I dashed to the sink, quickly filling it and added a few drops of flavoring.

_ Okay, I have my water, my keys, my phone is in my pants. What am I missing? OH! Wallet! _

As I passed my bag I slipped my water bottle into its side pocket, glancing into it briefly.

_ Headphones, check. Water bottle, check. Keys, check. Wallet, on the bureau in the entrance. _

Grabbing my bag, I headed toward the entryway. As I passed the bureau I picked up my wallet, tossing it into my bag. Plonking the bag down by the door, I headed to the garage, slipped on my red hightop converse and pulled one of my hoodies off of the clothing pile. Returning to the entryway I pulled my keys out of my bag and opened the front door.

“Mama, Babba, I’m heading out!” I shouted over my shoulder, already halfway out the door.

“Ciao, have fun!”

“Tschüss! Viel Spaß!”

I shut the door firmly behind me, quickly locking it. The car clicked softly as I unlocked it, setting my bag on the passenger seat. 

_ Off to the carnival. _

I smiled to myself, sliding the key into the ignition. One last glance into my bag confirmed everything was there before I left the driveway.

\--------------

“NIKA!”

I jump slightly at the call of my name, pulled abruptly out of my racing thoughts. Plastering a slightly-forced smile upon my face, I turn to my friends.

“Hey, there you are. I’ve been looking for you,” I greet them, straining not to let my voice quiver. My hands shake as I hug each of them, but they (thankfully) seem distracted by the flurry of activity around us. 

“Well, where do we want to head first?”

_ Peter, that’s Peter’s voice. Yes, focus on that! _ My brain chants as I try to calm myself down. Smiling, I turn to the rest of the group. Hayden is waving his hands about, while Aimee is attempting to convince him that she is infinitely better at driving the bumper cars. He laughs at her, reminding her of the time she kept crashing into walls.

“Come on, you children, I will beat you at bumper cars any day,” Peter interjects, trying to measure up next to Hayden. Hayden just grins, leaning his arm on Peter’s shoulder. Peter glares up at him, pretending to pout. Aimee gently bops his nose, and we all bust out laughing. I feel some of the tension melt away as I laugh, shoulders loosening. Hayden pulls a silly face amidst all the laughter, and I snort, the group dissolving into more giggle and laughter at my sudden reaction. Hiccuping, I try to slow my laughter, breathing deeply, only to be interrupted by another hiccup and then more laughter.

“Okay, okay, okay, calm down time,” Hayden gently waves his hands, and we all breathe deeply, finally managing to control ourselves.

“So what are we gonna do first? We never really decided,” Peter questions the group, looking at each of us in turn.

“BUMPER CARS!” we all cry in unison. I pick up my bag in preparation to head over to the booth, only just now realizing it is still sitting in a heap by my feet. A small shiver of dread runs through me as I remember my forgotten headphones, but I shove it aside and hope for the best.

“Well, then it is decided. TO THE BUMPER CARS!” Peter cheers as I cover my ears, laughing as Peter and Aimee take off toward the brightly flashing booth a few yards down.

“Last one there is a chicken!” I yell, taking off as Hayden follows me. My heart races as I run through the crowd, not even noticing that as I race past a “Balloon Pop” booth. Then, suddenly time and space seem to stop around me.

POP! POP! POCK!

My body flinches and seizes as I come to an abrupt halt. The flashing lights become a blur, and the world loses focus around me. All I can focus on is the loud noise of the balloons popping, and the darts thunking into the corkboard to my left. I am immobilized, unable to move away from the source of my fear. My body trembles and tears begin to roll down my cheeks. 

_ No, no, no, no, no! This can’t be happening! _

My brain launches into hyperdrive, noises becoming unbearably loud, and the lights of the booths blinding me. I attempt to move, but my body will not listen, making me feel like a tourist on a viewing platform, spectating my own life. 

“Nika! Nika, are you alright?” My head swivels autonomously to look at Hayden, trying to focus on him. I shake my head, eyes glossing over. I bury my head in his chest, wanting nothing but to escape everything around me. He wraps me in his arms, trying to comfort me as best he can, but the noises around me are overwhelming. Another balloon pops off to my left, and I can not conceal the flinch that causes my entire body to tremble. Hayden’s hands leave my back, and suddenly I feel something soft against my ears. A steady rushing fills them, sounds of the carnival drowned out as I look up at Hayden. He smiles, phone in one hand, and the other adjusting the headphones on my head. I hug him tighter, feeling him wipe a stray tear off of my cheek.

“Let’s go find the others,” he mouths, and I nod, still lightly holding onto his arm as we walk the rest of the way to the bumper car booth. The lights still flash, but the white noise drowns out the overwhelming sounds. 

As we approach the booth, my heart slows, focusing in on the sight of Peter pursuing Aimee in a lime green bumper car, failing to hit her. I shriek with laughter as he screams, and slip the headphones off of my head.

“Thank you, but I think I will be okay now,” I give Hayden a quick smile along with the headphones to assure him that I am alright and we head to the ticket booth. Joining Aimee and Peter, we laugh our way through a few rounds of bumper cars. Peter screams in fake agony as Aimee, and I team up against him, sandwiching his car between ours. We grin, quickly taking off again before he can try to enact revenge on us. 

A firework goes off in the distance, leaving my body immediately seizing again. The car slams forward into one of the wall-bumpers, my head hitting the headrest as I slam back into my seat from the impact. Thankfully, the bell signals the end of the round a second later, but I do not hear it as the world has once again become a blur. 

Suddenly, there is air beneath me and strong arms around me. I curl into whoever is carrying me, my senses too overwhelmed to identify the person. A whimper escapes me as I am set down, and the arms holding me disappear. Disoriented, I try to get up to find who is holding me only to be gently pushed back down. Two sets of arms encircle me, holding me tightly. Something is slipped over my ears again, and I am picked up before being wrapped in something soft. This time I am tucked up against someone's chest. White noise fills my ears once more, and the world slowly comes back into focus for the second time.

Damp fabric rubbing against my cheek pulls me slowly back to reality. My fingers clutch at soft grey cotton, pulling at the threads of Hayden’s t-shirt. Aimee rubs my back gently. Her fingers trail up and down my spine. Peter is half leaning against Aimee’s back, fanning my face. I grin through my tears at how ridiculous we must look. Shifting, I move my head so I can look at our surroundings. We’re sitting on a bench off to the side of the carnival, behind us only an open field. I tug on the other’s clothing, getting them to stand.

“Can we go to my place and watch old  _ Scooby-Doo _ movies?” I look at them pleadingly, smiling as they nod. We head out of the carnival as I cling to Hayden’s arm, still wrapped in his hoodie. My hands are hidden in the too-long sleeves and bury my nose in the soft black plush lining. Above us, fireworks continue to sparkle in the sky, looking somehow both magical and eerie in their seemingly soundless state. 


End file.
